3 posts from February 2008

So things seem to be doing better now from my last blog. I am still letting my fears ride back seat, sometimes telling me what to do, and other times I slam on the brakes and let their head hit the proverbial windshield.

I have to let my fear of being broken disappear and I have to as well stop worrying so much about if things go wrong.

So what if they do life goes on, I have lost nothing, but gained more input on life.

So I should just let things go with the flow, and let everything take it's course.

I see myself becoming more and more jealous, of couples, and of simple things that usually would never get to me.

I suppose that it is all because I long to see my other half, and to me seeing everyone else holding hands, makes me think more and more on it.

Last night I went out with Aaron, Kelsea, Jimmy, Nicole, Tasha, and Aj. I was the only one alone, and I found myself often thinking and imagining myself beside him. Though secretly as well I found it interesting to watch them, learning that maybe strength is not found in hand holding or touches. Maybe just maybe it is through early morning chats, and late night talks..and everything else in between.

Maybe without the physical  my relationship is some what stronger. Though perhaps it is all in my head too.

Thoughts like this could drive anyone bonkers, always thinking about the what if, and hoping not to be made a fool of.

Though even if I am made a little fool, I can still come out on top. Knowing I tired something different, relationships never last forever.

Forever is too long to stay with someone ...especially if you are still young like I am.

I just have to keep thinking that. So that maybe that backseat driver will stop their yelling.

I haven't wrote anything in a while, and I really just need to let this out for a bit. You see I am currently in a long-distance relationship. It's not my style for one I have terrible trust issues, and worry constantly about how I am not good enough for the person I am with. I know that that is a total flaw of mine but, this distance thing really adds to that.

I dont see him, I cant look him in the eyes and feel that comfort that I need to know that I am really making them happy. Sure they can say it and tell me that they enjoy my company, and like me..but, I need something to help me.

I just worry so often that I am making the wrong decision with this entire thing. I find him the most comforting person to talk too, and I can tell him anything. We talk seriously, and we have chats that make no sense at all. I love that so much, and I love to talk to him.

I just wonder if my insecurities would drive him to think I am unstable. Truthfully I do believe I am a bit unnerving, and could drive anyone to madness.

I just yearn really for him to actually touch me, and tell me how much he cares for me. Instead of pretending and looking at a computer and reading his words. Words really have no meaning unless you could see the look on someones face.

Truthfully I have no trust for people really, and being in this sort of relationship really is rough on me. I just think that I am jumping the gun. I should just see him as a boy that I can talk too instead of a boyfriend. Truthfully it's just a word I suppose. I just really wish that I could be closer to him.

Prolonging our meetings and wondering if he really likes me at all or if it is just a game to play with me drives me insane. I dont know if I am ever going to be good with this relationship sort of thing. Sure I have been in many but, never with someone that actually made me question myself so much.

With the others they told me if I bothered them, yelled at me, pushed me to dislike them and dump them in the end.
With this boy, he smothers me with attention. He tells me how wonderful I am, and that I make him happy. But how can I even trust his words? When I cant see him or touch him or read body language.

So easily I have been one over before by boys, and truthfully it was because I was weak. In this case I know my weaknesses and have been trying so hard to make it known that I cant trust him. That I dont need him and it is just something to do. But the more that he tells me these nice things..the more I feel like my wall is broken down.

I dont want to be left out in the open and be taken advantage of again. I dont want to be that weak little girl who lets boys trample over her, and make her into someone who I am not anymore. I am stronger than that now, I can tell when I am being made fool of usually. I can tell when someone is playing with me..but, in this case I cant.

It worries me that I may actually let my guard down, and be hurt.

As well as that how can I feel anything more than just a strong friendship with him. He says casually that he loves me, and I say I love him back. But I know that it isnt real love, and I have never felt it before. I just wish he wouldnt say it..unless he really did like me. I guess I wont know..until it is all over.

Thats what I am truly scared most of.