I am sorry that I was so one sided. I just can't help myself, I guess I just feel that I should say mean things in order to bring her down. Which is wrong and I know it, but I can't help but be mad at the situation. I said terrible things, and I know it was wrong. I hope I can be forgiven but, I just want to say that I really cant believe the shit that came from my mouth. I should have shut up, but I guess I am not over the previous situation. It's really odd how the cycle of school dating goes. Really it is if you look at it the way I am.
However I will be happy for you because I know you will be happy. That's all that matters. I just want to say sorry for my terrible mouth Diarrhea.
I had a dream last night and I can already see what is happening.
It is pushing me to make the dream not happen.
The dream is not important but the outcome of what I am doing may be
. However I am just going to ride it out and see where it goes.
My vox posts are so short lately.
I guess...I just haven't got much to say.
Oh well..good things come in small packages.
So today was interesting. I saw everyone again, and I noticed that I am quite shy. In Chorus I was so afraid to sing, and normally that's not me. I was just afraid of messing up, and then fourth period I met some awesome people. Though the other classes were great too having a class with Double-A. So all in all I am glad this year worked out.
I have done my homework, and organized my shit...now I need to make my lunchies ^ ^:;
Never ever get talked into drinking red bull. It was my first time ever drinking an energy drink last night, and I drank four an a half. I feel like I am dying, and my god I haven't slept but a few hours all day. It tasted so good though, and I still wish I had some. Addictions...Addictions...
Anyway never let me do it again.
Last night I couldn't sleep, I blame it on lack of medication. Since someone [Me] didn't notice that she was out of something, she had to deal with half a pill. This in turn made me unable to sleep, and to add to that, I ate before I lay down. BAD IDEA!
So here is a bit of a dream that I had, it's mostly for Double A- Alcoholics Anonymous cause he was in it.
The day was really around I would say six in the afternoon, sun already setting. I had called up Aaron to hang out, knowing he had just gotten a new place. [In real life I may not have known] So I pull up in my car, knocking on his door. It was a nice looking house, really small, but still nice. So when he lets me come inside I see that the place is really clean. He showed me around, he had two bedrooms one of which was just a mattress on the floor, and a bathroom. Really he must have been just unpacking because nothing really was placed out, and he didn’t have a couch in the living room. I am screaming about how cute the place is, and he looks at me and just shakes his head. As if saying ‘This place is horrible.” Though I really disagreed, because of the nice wood floors It had. Somehow I ended up staying the night, sleeping in the room with the mattress, and then suddenly the dream skipped.
I was living with him now, all my stuff wasn’t there yet. Moving truck was coming some time soon, but we didn’t care. Somehow we weren’t fighting that was a good thing, and for the past few times I had been sleeping in that same room. Though to add to the odd Aaron’s sister decided to come and sleep over. [He doesn’t have a sister.] She was at least nine maybe younger and looked nothing like him. She was blond and had a mouse like face with a button nose. It was really like what any person could imagine a cute little girl to look like. So then things changed, she was a total bitch. Having to have everything her way, I wasn’t allowed to sleep in there with her. I smelled, and Aaron some how just allowed her to boss us both around.
So I slept with Aaron in his room, at first on the floor but, then finally we both decided we weren’t going to take turns with that, and gave in to sleeping together. It isn’t as odd as it sounds but, really I suppose if you think on it, it sounds weird.
The time changed once more to the morning, and she and Aaron were late. I wasn’t working for some odd reason but, the girl was late for school, and Aaron work. I had to fix her breakfast and drop her off, while he bitched about being late because I didn’t set a clock. Though we both knew it wasn’t either of our faults some how, because we both knew we didn’t have a clock. The looks on both our faces after he had said it, made me believe that that had to be the case. At any rate I took the girl to school, and suddenly it all changed dramatically.
Robby had found out where I was staying, [in this dream he looked really inhuman] and ended up doing some not so good things to me. When Aaron came home and learned seeing me acting like some crazy person crying every five minutes. He went out and kicked ass. It was rather funny because after I had learned he was out killing someone the dream stopped, and I woke up to turn the T.V off, Which was playing some life time drama shit. I guess I had just picked up on whatever was playing on T.V and dreamt my own version. I don’t know, but living with Aaron seemed pretty awesome.
Your only the best I ever had.
Have you ever looked in the mirror, or out side and wondered if this really was a real life? I do, I sometimes wonder if we all aren't just dreaming up our lives. It sounds really matrix, I know but, really if you think about it how does anyone know?
I know sometimes my dreams seem real enough but, that could also be contradicting my thoughts of life being a dream. How can someone dream inside of a dream? I really am just rambling off tonight, because really I am just bored.
I am listening to music, and just thinking way too damn much about life, and shit. I guess I just need to get out tomorrow instead of sitting around. Usually when I stay inside too much I think, and Whitney, and thinking is a no no.
Either way, I am just going to sit back tonight and think.
Your just the best I ever had.
So you stole my world, now I'm just a foney.
I found out just this morning that Robby's Father shot and killed himself. It's odd how people decide to just kill themselves. Nothing in this world could ever make me want to kill myself. I would rather die a slow and horrible death than kill myself. I guess because I know Hell is worse than anything on this earth.
Either way, I feel really terrible that he is having to go through all this shit. His father had cancer, and I guess he just didn't want to live anymore. I don't know, but I somehow wish I could call and see if he needed anything. I have his number but, it isn't my business. Either way, I really wish him well.
I want to move on, and I don't want this constant cloud hanging over me. There it is always over me, and I realize that I need to some how get rid of it. There isn't anyone to blame but myself, and I know that. I constantly feel pushed by people back into this cloud of heavy fog. It wont lift no matter how many people try to help me out of it. I have no love of anyone, someone wonderful could be in front of me, and I don't even care.
I have no feelings toward anyone in any way, and I either blame this on my lack of mind power. I should be over him, and now I look at it. I know I cant be, because I don't even want to give anyone else a chance. That's really sad, because I don't want to be with him either. I want and am happy alone, and yet I don't think that it is healthy to constantly think about him.
My friend Lee said I should give him another chance and once I see how terrible it was or is, I will give up. Though I don't even want to give him a chance. He hurt another girl to piss me off, and in turn hurt himself as well. He basically told me this, and also told me of things that he did with this girl. Like I want to fucking know what he did with someone? It disgusts me, and makes me feel like a slut, even if I know I am not one. I just want it all to be erased from my memory but, I know it cant be done.
I want to give other people the love that I know I could give them. Give people a chance and let them know, and let myself know that I can move on. Though when nobody can even trigger a feeling in me, I know that something is wrong. Out of all the guys I have known and met this summer, not even one makes my heart flutter. When I saw my ex two weeks ago, my heart felt like it was coming out of my chest. This is wrong and agitates the utter hell out of me, because I hate him. I loathe him with such force that if he was on fire I wouldnt piss on him to put out the flames. Sure this seems hateful but, one someone tells you. "I was doing it to make you jealous, but I realized now that it was wrong." Though then moments later say, "Oh and I did this and this.." pisses you off. That's not all then they say "I still love you and I am upset and cry." That is a fucking sick ass lie, and it makes me mad as hell. Nobody can love someone after what he has done. Yet somewhere deep inside me subconsciously I cant get him out of my mind.
I DO NOT WANT YOU IN MY MIND ANY MORE!
Math is going to be the worst part of it, and I have projects for Animazement to start. My shuriken and Keyblade need to get started on, and Yuffie's costume too. However Brittany will be doing Roxas for me, but I need to calculate the funds I will need. Oh well...anyway I am sure if I am broke during the con someone will feed me :D
On another note, I hate when a guy confesses to you..when you say no..they don't speak to you. Maybe it's an ego thing that I hurt their feelings. I don't know but, I just feel horrible about it. Can I help that I just am not attracted to anyone, for any reason. I know subconsciously something must be wrong with me, I just dont know how to get rid of it. How can I keep my guy friends without hurting them? I am looking at it all now and seems to me that it is impossible to do. I just wish I had a cheat book to help me with life, but I know it isnt possible.
Last night I spent the night with Brittany. She is the cutest and sweetest girl ever, and I just love her. We ate icecream, and some how we sort of look alike :D I dont know but that just rocks. She and I have fun doing nothing but, me staying up til 3 am isnt good. I may have been a bit cranky. Anyway I loves her. :D
Also, Double A- Alcoholics Anonymous =
