Whtneyknowsbest’s blog

So things seem to be doing better now from my last blog. I am still letting my fears ride back seat, sometimes telling me what to do, and other times I slam on the brakes and let their head hit the proverbial windshield.

I have to let my fear of being broken disappear and I have to as well stop worrying so much about if things go wrong.

So what if they do life goes on, I have lost nothing, but gained more input on life.

So I should just let things go with the flow, and let everything take it's course.

I see myself becoming more and more jealous, of couples, and of simple things that usually would never get to me.

I suppose that it is all because I long to see my other half, and to me seeing everyone else holding hands, makes me think more and more on it.

Last night I went out with Aaron, Kelsea, Jimmy, Nicole, Tasha, and Aj. I was the only one alone, and I found myself often thinking and imagining myself beside him. Though secretly as well I found it interesting to watch them, learning that maybe strength is not found in hand holding or touches. Maybe just maybe it is through early morning chats, and late night talks..and everything else in between.

Maybe without the physical  my relationship is some what stronger. Though perhaps it is all in my head too.

Thoughts like this could drive anyone bonkers, always thinking about the what if, and hoping not to be made a fool of.

Though even if I am made a little fool, I can still come out on top. Knowing I tired something different, relationships never last forever.

Forever is too long to stay with someone ...especially if you are still young like I am.

I just have to keep thinking that. So that maybe that backseat driver will stop their yelling.

I haven't wrote anything in a while, and I really just need to let this out for a bit. You see I am currently in a long-distance relationship. It's not my style for one I have terrible trust issues, and worry constantly about how I am not good enough for the person I am with. I know that that is a total flaw of mine but, this distance thing really adds to that.

I dont see him, I cant look him in the eyes and feel that comfort that I need to know that I am really making them happy. Sure they can say it and tell me that they enjoy my company, and like me..but, I need something to help me.

I just worry so often that I am making the wrong decision with this entire thing. I find him the most comforting person to talk too, and I can tell him anything. We talk seriously, and we have chats that make no sense at all. I love that so much, and I love to talk to him.

I just wonder if my insecurities would drive him to think I am unstable. Truthfully I do believe I am a bit unnerving, and could drive anyone to madness.

I just yearn really for him to actually touch me, and tell me how much he cares for me. Instead of pretending and looking at a computer and reading his words. Words really have no meaning unless you could see the look on someones face.

Truthfully I have no trust for people really, and being in this sort of relationship really is rough on me. I just think that I am jumping the gun. I should just see him as a boy that I can talk too instead of a boyfriend. Truthfully it's just a word I suppose. I just really wish that I could be closer to him.

Prolonging our meetings and wondering if he really likes me at all or if it is just a game to play with me drives me insane. I dont know if I am ever going to be good with this relationship sort of thing. Sure I have been in many but, never with someone that actually made me question myself so much.

With the others they told me if I bothered them, yelled at me, pushed me to dislike them and dump them in the end.
With this boy, he smothers me with attention. He tells me how wonderful I am, and that I make him happy. But how can I even trust his words? When I cant see him or touch him or read body language.

So easily I have been one over before by boys, and truthfully it was because I was weak. In this case I know my weaknesses and have been trying so hard to make it known that I cant trust him. That I dont need him and it is just something to do. But the more that he tells me these nice things..the more I feel like my wall is broken down.

I dont want to be left out in the open and be taken advantage of again. I dont want to be that weak little girl who lets boys trample over her, and make her into someone who I am not anymore. I am stronger than that now, I can tell when I am being made fool of usually. I can tell when someone is playing with me..but, in this case I cant.

It worries me that I may actually let my guard down, and be hurt.

As well as that how can I feel anything more than just a strong friendship with him. He says casually that he loves me, and I say I love him back. But I know that it isnt real love, and I have never felt it before. I just wish he wouldnt say it..unless he really did like me. I guess I wont know..until it is all over.

Thats what I am truly scared most of.

Well things have been going pretty great. I met a nice fellow, though of course on the I net. Which is pretty damn messed up. However Brittany knows him and apparently he isn't a stalker. However I am all against I net relationships, and long distance ones at that.

As well as that I am going to meet him when I go with Brittany to Anime USA, in November. That is if I get a C on my Midterms, and get my homework for the days I am going to be gone. His name is Han Sol, and he is Korean. I don't really want to hear anyone saying "Whitney you shouldn't do that..its dangerous." cause I pretty much will agree with you.

I will see once I meet him, and such. It'll be around a lot of people, and Brittany..so I am not too worried about rape. Like he would..or I would rape him XDD

Anyways lets see I am nearly failing anatomy, and everything else is B's. Which is amazing, and I love it.

Uhhh...Chorus is killing me. I really am beginning to hate it because I am never with friends, and I am always gone.

I lost my Batman phone, and got a new one in the mail today. It is nice, and I will activate it tomorrow. So I will need everyone's phone numbers.

Uhhh..Thats it :D

I am tired of all the pretending people do. Pretending to like someone, pretending to love, or even pretending that everything is okay even when it isn't. I wish sometimes people could just be real with themselves, and tell themselves that they need to get a grip.

Dont take out anger on someone else, don't say hello to someone only to whisper afterward how much you hate them. Dont ask someone why they aren't talking to you when, you know the answer. Then don't pretend like it really mattered that they weren't speaking when you hate them anyway. Let's all just be real with ourselves, and each other for once.

I am tired of all the pretending. I am tired of all the lies we tell ourselves, and tell to other people. Lets just be truthful. Lets just say exactly what we mean, and when we need help. When we feel bad, and when we dont give a fuck. Everyone just needs some reassurance, and sometimes everyone just wants a bit of time alone. Just dont lie anymore, and dont ignore the fact that you need someone, or hate someone, or love them.

Just tell the truth how it is, and then we all could be a bit happier in the end.

I just stabbed myself in the hand with a knife. On accident mind you and I started to cry, but once I looked, and thought a moment. I realized it really didn't hurt, that I had just scared myself.

I think that is why children cry, is they are just scared, not that they are in any sort of pain. Now that I think about it, I really havent cried about anything in so long. It was really great I guess to cry a moment, but now I have a small cut on my hand, and a new sense of pain.

Whitney is becoming slowly less and less human. ^ ^ and it makes her smile.

Tonight mom cooked, and I really am a bit scared as to how she knew I wanted something. I was thinking about deviled eggs and she said she was making them. It is so weird that she and I have some odd connection, I do also with my grandmother. The women of my family all seem to have some gut instinct when the other is sad, or upset. It's really nifty. I wish everyone had that.

Also I watched The Stand. I love that movie.

Have you ever heard something that you know could not be true? Sure it is a rumor maybe but, then again it made me a bit afraid. I want to ask the person if it is true but, it is one of those things that isnt nice to ask. So here I will sit without asking thinking to myself "What the fuck?" anyway..I just hope the truth will come out soon.

Truth about it all.

It was pretty great. I spent time with my Twinkies, but mostly my brittany face. I loves her :D

I met one of her friends, and he is pretty nice. Han Sol, whatever face. I also met Josh Hilaree's boyfriend, he is a turd muncher :D

Lets see adding to that we played some serious twister, which was great fun, and made french toast.

The next day I went to my other friends Kari's house. She is a funny mug, we were like on crack all day. We couldn't pain our fingernails from all the laughter.

Then we went off to Denny's and made a creep stalker friend, came home made brownies, and then played twister. Seriously Twister is fucking fun. I wanna just get a big ass party and play twister with people that i know.

Then today I went muddin' in the jungle. Well the woods, but it was like a jungle. We ran around, and the boys picked me flowers. More like weeds it looked like but, it was amazing. I may get a picture from stephen of me in a tree. I asked him like a minute ago to send it to me. But, anyway it was amazing to climb the tree.

He called me and woke me up, I just threw on clothes and went. Man I looked like shit. Then we went out to eat and everyone was in church clothes but us. We were covered in mud from head to toe. It was amazing.

The rest of the day I slept, and now I am doing homework.

Great weekend.  Thanks people.

I want to run for homecoming...
Oi, I know that sounds disgusting, but really i think I do. Not to be popular or to win, just to run, or at least let people see nerds can run too. Ya? Nerdy ya? Anyway If anyone thinks it's a bad idea just let me know.